This wasn't supposed to be my life...

Growing up poor I vowed that I would never be poor again. Everything I did as a twenty-something was to insure that I never was.

I went to college. Graduated. Three times. 

Had a good paying job, while it wasn't what I wanted to do, and I hated how I was treated while doing it it was something I could have parlayed into a profitable future. 

Then I became a mom, and I vowed again my kids would never know what its like to go to bed hungry. To have teachers sneak them food so that they had energy to do the things they needed to do. 

And yet that is what has happened. 

That college education I have is useless because I chose to pursue a different career path...

No that isn't true. 

We chose to move back home to be close to our parents because of things that were happening in their lives and because we wanted out kids to know their grandparents. 

Looking back I can say with 100% assurity it was the wrong decision. 

We walked away from great careers and for what...

A family relationship that no longer exists. For my kids to know what poverty and hunger look like. For me to resent my husband because he can't provide for us. For my kids to have a mom who works 4 jobs and still not have enough gas money for her to get to work. For my kids to ask why their dad can't get and keep a job. 

No this wasn't supposed to be my life. 

And yet it is. 

Thirty minutes ago I walked in the door from church and went straight to my bathroom and cried, pouring my heart out to Heavenly Father, telling him I can't do this anymore. 

The answer that came to me was so soft I almost missed it. 

I can and I will, because my boys, my beautiful talented amazing boys are watching me. They know the sacrifices I'm making so that they can have the future they want. 

So yes, right now I'm angry and resentful, and wish I'd made different choices in the past, but all of those choices have brought my boys to the people they need in their lives right now. 

Will I go to bed hungry every night this week? Probably. 

Will I stress out over how I'm going to pay our bills, and find the money for gas for me to go to work? Yes. 

Am I already freaking out over the fact I will have one paycheck before Christmas? Absolutely. 

And sick to my stomach as I am most of the time over all of this there is one thing I know. The one thing that keeps me going. 

He Hears Me. 

And while the answers might not come today, or tomorrow or next week. 

They will.