This wasn't supposed to be my life...

Growing up poor I vowed that I would never be poor again. Everything I did as a twenty-something was to insure that I never was.

I went to college. Graduated. Three times. 

Had a good paying job, while it wasn't what I wanted to do, and I hated how I was treated while doing it it was something I could have parlayed into a profitable future. 

Then I became a mom, and I vowed again my kids would never know what its like to go to bed hungry. To have teachers sneak them food so that they had energy to do the things they needed to do. 

And yet that is what has happened. 

That college education I have is useless because I chose to pursue a different career path...

No that isn't true. 

We chose to move back home to be close to our parents because of things that were happening in their lives and because we wanted out kids to know their grandparents. 

Looking back I can say with 100% assurity it was the wrong decision. 

We walked away from great careers and for what...

A family relationship that no longer exists. For my kids to know what poverty and hunger look like. For me to resent my husband because he can't provide for us. For my kids to have a mom who works 4 jobs and still not have enough gas money for her to get to work. For my kids to ask why their dad can't get and keep a job. 

No this wasn't supposed to be my life. 

And yet it is. 

Thirty minutes ago I walked in the door from church and went straight to my bathroom and cried, pouring my heart out to Heavenly Father, telling him I can't do this anymore. 

The answer that came to me was so soft I almost missed it. 

I can and I will, because my boys, my beautiful talented amazing boys are watching me. They know the sacrifices I'm making so that they can have the future they want. 

So yes, right now I'm angry and resentful, and wish I'd made different choices in the past, but all of those choices have brought my boys to the people they need in their lives right now. 

Will I go to bed hungry every night this week? Probably. 

Will I stress out over how I'm going to pay our bills, and find the money for gas for me to go to work? Yes. 

Am I already freaking out over the fact I will have one paycheck before Christmas? Absolutely. 

And sick to my stomach as I am most of the time over all of this there is one thing I know. The one thing that keeps me going. 

He Hears Me. 

And while the answers might not come today, or tomorrow or next week. 

They will. 

eating disorders....they are a bitch

Hi my name is Heather and I have an eating disorder. 

When you look at me you wouldn't think that I have an eating disorder but it's true. 

I also suffer with a form of body dysmorphia. 

What is that you say? I've never heard of that.

Oh, but you have. You know the woman who is trying to look like a real life Barbie? Yep she has it. 

But that doesn't pertain to me. 

My version of it is this.

I weigh an unhealthy 195 lbs.

This makes me about 50 lbs overweight. 

However when I look in the mirror I don't see a woman who weighs 195 I see a woman who weighs 295 lbs. 

Now you would think that this would make me a gym rat to get the weight off considering that is where my husband and sons live. 

But it doesn't. 

Why?

Because I didn't get this way by only eating fast food, because we very rarely eat fast food. Or by over eating, I very rarely have seconds and almost always use the small plate. I don't eat junk food, and never really have (to much has always made me sick)

I got this way because of three medical conditions. 

1)Hypothyroidism

2) A complete hysterectomy at 27

3) A digestive disorder

In the case of two of these, if they had been caught in time I wouldn't have packed on the weight, and the third, well weight gain is a side effect of the hormones I'll be on for the rest of my life. 

Combined all three of these make it really hard for me to lose weight. I can work out all the time, and eat only healthy foods, and nothing will happen. 

You see that digestive disorder I have, means that I have a very limited diet and at least 4 ingredients in almost all healthy foods are like poison to my body. 

Now how does this play into my eating disorder?

Here's how. 

I binge eat. 

That's right. 

I will go days and only eat one meal a day. 

Then when my body has had enough it will force me to eat...now do I go all hog wild and pig crazy? 

Nope. 

I'll eat a piece of bread, KNOWING that a piece of bread will make me really sick because it's one of the foods I can't eat. 

You see what I mean about eating disorders being a bitch? 

Having an eating disorder isn't new to me. 

I've had one since high school. 

My junior year of high school I was anorexic. If it hadn't been for a few friends who picked up on it, I have no doubt that it would have spiraled out of control by the end of that year. 

Maybe it's time that I dealt with what caused my anorexia and sent me on this spiraling journey that has spanned more than twenty years. 

Okay....here it is. 

I became anorexic because it was my way of trying to get my parents to notice the utter grief and despair I was going through at the sudden violent death of my youngest brother at the time. 

Wow. Okay. I hadn't realized until I wrote that sentence that was the real reason behind everything. 

That was hard, And scary. And now I want to go cry into my pillow. Because that's not all. 

My eating disorder came back when I found out I would never be able to have a biological child. 

Deep in my messed up psychy I'm punishing my body for failing me on the one thing I didn't know I wanted until I couldn't have it. 

Now for the really hard part of this admission. 

Doing something about it. 

I have no clue how I'm going to deal with it, but I know that admitting it is the first step. 

  

loving yourself....why is it so bloody hard?

Every day when I wake up I have to decide if I'm going to get out of bed or stay in bed and pretend the world around me doesn't exist.

That I have friends.

That it will matter to my teenagers whether I get up or not.

That my husband isn't going to ask me a hundred times if I'm going to get out of bed or not.

So I get up.

Somedays I take a shower and put on actual clothes and not my pajamas.

Somedays I even do my hair and make-up.

Those are the days where I love myself enough to do them.

Then there are the days where I may or may not put on a clean pair of pajamas.

When my hair is a rats nest.

When I can't remember the last time I put make-up on or even washed my face.

It's on those days that I'm at my worst.

Why are those days the worst?

Because it's on those days that I feel like I'm unimportant to anyone.

Unlovable.

In the last couple of weeks I've been reminded of something that I forgot somewhere along my journey of life.

That thing I forgot is simple and yet huge.

I forgot that I'm a Daughter of God, AND HE LOVES ME!

He loves me on my good days, and my bad.

He loves me when I feel like no one else in the world loves me.

He loves me enough to give me the trials that I've had so that I can become stronger and help others who will go through what I've gone through.

But most important HE LOVES ME.

So if God loves me, why can't I love me?

The simple answer is because society today tells us that if we don't fit in a certain mold we aren't lovable.

The difficult answer is that because society tell us that if we don't fit in a certain mold we aren't lovable.

When I was 12 one of my church leaders gave a lesson and told us to look in the mirror every morning and say, I'm lovable because God loves me. I'm lovable because I love me.

If we say it enough we'll believe it.

So I'm going to say it. Not only that I'm going to write it on my mirror. Not just my mirror but my sons mirror as well.

I found this wall art that I'm going to buy and hang where everyone...especially me can see it to remind myself that even on the days when I don't love myself God does.

Here's the link to buy it for yourself 

not fit and okay with it....

I suck at journaling....but I rock at blogging, something I've been doing for 8 years and quiet successfully as a book reviewer. So when I thought about what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it, I of course decided I wanted to blog because who knows maybe there are other moms out there like me. 

So here goes...

My name is Heather and I'm not fit. 

I'm not just talking about physically fit, I mean...

emotionally

spiritually

mentally

And you know what I'm okay with that. Why? 

Because it gives me something to work for this year. 

You see I turn 40 this year, and I've decided that this is the year I take my life back. 

My journey is my own and one that I own. 

If no one reads this blog I'm okay with that as well. This is for no one by myself. 

depression...it sucks giant fucking elephant balls

For years I've battled depression and an eating disorder very quietly. The only person knowing how bad it can get my husband Mike. For several years now I've been very stable, with not a lot rocking my boat. I've made changes to those I'm close to because of how their negative attitudes have affected my mood. I've also been on a dosage of medicine that keeps everything in check.

Then Texas happened. While I was in TX I had something really awesome happen to me, and something really bad. I got sick. We thought it was something simple. And it has turned out to not be simple. It's not simple because what ever is making me sick has also triggered one of the worst episodes of depression I've experienced. And as much as I'd love nothing more than to load up my kindle and grab my comfort reads and hibernate I can't. I can't because I have kids who need me. Kids who rely on me to make sure they get up for school, and are picked up from football practice, and that there's food in the fridge and pantry. Because of them I get up and shower everyday, because I'm not allowed to pick them up from the HS in my pj's. I eat, because I nibble on what I'm making them.

But what has truly sucked is that those few people I have reached out to simply have a phone conversation to pull me out of my funk for just a few moments haven't reciprocated. There's no call back saying sorry I missed your call is everything ok. No response to a FB post. Nothing. Crickets.

It is then that you discover how truly alone you are. That those who you thought were your friends are really just acquaintances.

And while this relapse has sucked giant fucking elephant balls, I know that it will pass. That one day, hopefully soon, I'll not have to fight getting up. That I'll be able to sit at the computer and love my characters and be able to tell stories again.

Not in a Nice Mood today

Today started out okay, however as I got out of bed and went about my day, I felt my mood getting worse and worse. I know that a part of it is my hormones are out of whack, but another part of is the apparent lack of consideration by other people. Instead of choosing that we will all watch and something that I think is appropriate for the whole family to watch no we are watching something that someone knows I hate.

I've stalled

Okay so I have stalled out on my weight loss. I can't seem to get past 171. It could also be that I haven't been as diligent as I could have been. I am going to officially join weight watchers however and hope that that helps. I know that I can totally get within in my target weight by the end of the year. I just have to be more diligent about it. I am glad to report however that I haven't put more weight on. I seem to be fluctuating between 171 and 175.