eating disorders....they are a bitch

Hi my name is Heather and I have an eating disorder. 

When you look at me you wouldn't think that I have an eating disorder but it's true. 

I also suffer with a form of body dysmorphia. 

What is that you say? I've never heard of that.

Oh, but you have. You know the woman who is trying to look like a real life Barbie? Yep she has it. 

But that doesn't pertain to me. 

My version of it is this.

I weigh an unhealthy 195 lbs.

This makes me about 50 lbs overweight. 

However when I look in the mirror I don't see a woman who weighs 195 I see a woman who weighs 295 lbs. 

Now you would think that this would make me a gym rat to get the weight off considering that is where my husband and sons live. 

But it doesn't. 

Why?

Because I didn't get this way by only eating fast food, because we very rarely eat fast food. Or by over eating, I very rarely have seconds and almost always use the small plate. I don't eat junk food, and never really have (to much has always made me sick)

I got this way because of three medical conditions. 

1)Hypothyroidism

2) A complete hysterectomy at 27

3) A digestive disorder

In the case of two of these, if they had been caught in time I wouldn't have packed on the weight, and the third, well weight gain is a side effect of the hormones I'll be on for the rest of my life. 

Combined all three of these make it really hard for me to lose weight. I can work out all the time, and eat only healthy foods, and nothing will happen. 

You see that digestive disorder I have, means that I have a very limited diet and at least 4 ingredients in almost all healthy foods are like poison to my body. 

Now how does this play into my eating disorder?

Here's how. 

I binge eat. 

That's right. 

I will go days and only eat one meal a day. 

Then when my body has had enough it will force me to eat...now do I go all hog wild and pig crazy? 

Nope. 

I'll eat a piece of bread, KNOWING that a piece of bread will make me really sick because it's one of the foods I can't eat. 

You see what I mean about eating disorders being a bitch? 

Having an eating disorder isn't new to me. 

I've had one since high school. 

My junior year of high school I was anorexic. If it hadn't been for a few friends who picked up on it, I have no doubt that it would have spiraled out of control by the end of that year. 

Maybe it's time that I dealt with what caused my anorexia and sent me on this spiraling journey that has spanned more than twenty years. 

Okay....here it is. 

I became anorexic because it was my way of trying to get my parents to notice the utter grief and despair I was going through at the sudden violent death of my youngest brother at the time. 

Wow. Okay. I hadn't realized until I wrote that sentence that was the real reason behind everything. 

That was hard, And scary. And now I want to go cry into my pillow. Because that's not all. 

My eating disorder came back when I found out I would never be able to have a biological child. 

Deep in my messed up psychy I'm punishing my body for failing me on the one thing I didn't know I wanted until I couldn't have it. 

Now for the really hard part of this admission. 

Doing something about it. 

I have no clue how I'm going to deal with it, but I know that admitting it is the first step.